If anyone actually keeps up with my blog, you would know about that guy I always talk about and how he made me more depressed than ever, and that he died, and probably never loved me as much as I love him, or even at all….blah blah blah. BUT GUESS WHAT?!
The other night, I was on m phone and I got a notification that Steve read all my emails I have been sending him over the past year. His email account became a personal diary I know he or anyone else would never read. It was helping me, I think. Until I got that notification. I saw his account was active and that he read all my emails I sent him, my first thought was just total shock! Then I started balling because a reply never came…. I was broken hearted. I poured my heart out to him and even considered and planned my suicide THE EXACT DAY I SAW HE READ MY EMAILS.
Now, I am not sure what to think. I am very very happy he is alive and hope his life is doing great! But I am also very sad and scared… this changed everything. He was the main reason I attempted suicide last night and now I see he is alive? Should I take that as a sign that he should live and I should die? Or maybe theres hope he will write to me? Or is it nothing? I mean, he used that email account ONLY for me, so should I be concerned that he was thinking about me this past year and decided to check our emails? I don’t know what to do with my life anymore…
I feel just really sad and empty. At least I know he is alive; that still makes me smile:)