Hi. I have not been on my blog for a really long time. But after my mom raided my closet, I thought it was about time to get back on. Let me explain:
It is summer, so I have been keeping myself busy at my summer job. It distracts me from myself in a way that makes me forget all about my depression and misery. See, at home with my family, I am afraid I will have an ‘episode’ and start crying in front of them. My family is very Catholic and not very understanding of actual sick and mentally unstable people. So I can’t tell them about my severe depression. They never listen, they just tell me to pray or that I am overreacting. I had an episode in front of my mom the other day and she told me, basically, “you cant worry so much about what others say about you”. Like I do not try that already…
The reason I say I am “severely depressed” is because I frequently think of killing myself. I feel like I would never actually do it, but those thoughts are always entertaining my mind. I feel like I am alone in my huge family. Two parents, three sisters, and an older brother. I am always the odd man out…. right now, I have so many thoughts in my head and things I want to tell all of you but I am a little pressed for time. So I am just going to make a list of them:
- I have severe depression and no one knows about it but me.
- I scare myself and hate myself.
- I do not feel loved by hardly anyone.
- I get pressured and made fun of by family that I am the only sibling that does not have their whole life planned out.
- My family makes me feel like a whore because I am the only one with a “hot bod” and like to wear makeup ( foundation for my acne and mascara because my lashes are tiny) Because my sisters wear hardly even that, I am automatically the “whoriest”
- I struggle with school because I am not as naturally smart as my sisters. I work hard for my good grades (3.6 GPA) but thats not good enough apparently because my family gets 4.0 without struggling as much as me.
- I miss a man I met online a long time ago like crazy and it still makes me cry every night. I am the only person who knows about him. I was only ever truly happy with him. He was my therapy to my depression and now that he’s gone, I am at my worst.
- I still have not quit watching porn or listening to pornographic audios…. Its very damaging.
- I am stuck between wanting to keep old photos or emails from that man from #7 and deleting everything and wiping my computer because I live in fear that My parents will go through my stuff one day and will find everything. I seriously think if they found that, I would kill myself. I have already planned it all out.
- I want to be active and athletic and healthy but with depression all I want to do is sleep and watch television. I am constantly being told by family that I am lazy and selfish.
Side note: I know it may seem like my family is horrible and all they do is make fun of me, but thats not true. They are wonderful. They may not ever listen to me or try to understand me, but they provide me with all I need and more. We have soooo many inside jokes and I laugh the hardest with them. And my mom and dad teach me good manners, how to be generous, put me through expensive schooling, bought us nice cars, pay all my many many hospital bills, and are even letting me go to Florida with my friend this Saturday! They love me a lot but they aren’t the understanding and approachable type. Its why I feel so alone. As much as I adore and love my God, I don’t want to only hear “pray to God” and thats it for help. Of course when I cry, I always beg him to help me, and he’s great to talk to, but I need human interaction that will talk back to me about this. And I feel I will never do that.
Its the next day and I am about to leave on my trip. I am very excited but all my bad past keeps holding me back from JUST being exciting to a little excited and a ton worried that my parents will go through my room or computer and find bad things that I do…
Anyways, I do not really know how to end this so I will just say goodbye.