It Hit Me

For the past few weeks, I have been having a mental breakdown almost every day. I cry and sometimes do not know why. Sometimes it is because I miss someone or sometimes I just hate who I am.

And then it hit me. I am overly emotional. I can switch from happy to sad in two seconds. I tell everyone I am okay. No one suspects that I cry each night. I have had thoughts of suicide. I think I have a bipolar disorder or something. I used to think that certain things in my life caused my erratic behavior but I am beginning to believe I actually have something messed up in my brain. The thing that tipped me off is that I sometimes have no clue why I break down and cry (especially having been like, incredibly happy seconds before). I’d make a good actress….

For a while, I began to accept that Steve (the guy I always talk about and wrote a poem about) and I will never talk again. But then I started to think even more about the reason why we won’t. He was the only thing that cured whatever is wrong with me and without him, it is hard to keep living. I honestly do not know the purpose.

It is not like Steve to just walk out of my life with zero explanation. I think he really really liked me. I researched through almost 20 pages of Google results and never found a thing about the man. I am just happy I did not find any obituaries. But still, I wanted to at least find SOMETHING. I have absolutely no closure and it leaves me frustrated and scared everyday.

I had a random thought last night: I’ll ask my followers to help me find something about this guy, or maybe ask if anyone knows him… but then I remembered I have hardly any followers and no one comments on my posts lol. I am kinda laughing right now, but honestly I just hate myself for liking him so much and ever meeting Steve.

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