If you keep up with my blog, you’ll know that I am on my third different high school. It’s also my junior year. I now attend a very prestigious school where all the kids know each other very well and for a long time. This means they are not welcoming at all and very exclusive. Needless to say, I have no friends.
When I am at school, I feel like I have a disease. It’s like everyone knows to stay away from me; so they won’t catch my sickness. I am a perfectly healthy young girl. I used to be popular and now everyone acts like I do not exist. No one tries to be my friend.
Today I asked one of the very few girls who has talked to me (very little now) what lunch she had. She told me she was moving lunches to be with her friends. I jokingly acted very sad and begged her to go to her scheduled lunch which also happened to be mine. She replied with, “Omg go find some new friends”. She said it as a joke, I hope and think. But her remark still stung.
On top of this, the class we were in had my least favorite teacher. I think I have mentioned him before. He makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and he is rude. People even notice he singles me out. So we had to sit in groups for this class and he assigned them.
He originally put me in a group, then took me OUT and put me by myself. Hm. Weird right? He then noticed he forgot to put my lunch friend into a group too so he grouped us up by default. Eventually, when class was ending and everyone started talking about whatever, she completed distanced herself from me; and I was left alone. My teacher stared at me from across the room several times for no reason. I felt sad and uncomfortable. Needless to say, I started tearing up very badly the rest of the day.
The next thing I noticed was my bff. We were supposed to be twinning outfits that day for a school tradition and when I saw her, she had changed clothes. Am I some type of freak? Why does no one like me or stand up for me?
I try to make friends but complimenting girls, or smiling, or making jokes. After I do that I usually get a response like “I didn’t know you were so funny/cool/smart.” It’s frustrating because once people get to know me, they genuinely like me but no one ever tries to stick by me. It leaves me sad and empty.
I would never commit suicide. But I have the thoughts all the time. I don’t know what is keeping me alive.