I Should Have Died

So yesterday was Prom… I’ll do another post about that though later. Anyways, I went to my friends house yesterday so we could get ready together and she could do my makeup. Well, I got stuck behind a huge 18-wheeler on the way over. The speed limit was 65 on an old country backroad, and he was going literally 30. So, the truck behind me decides to pass both of us (by the way it was a two lane one way road) so it was a little scary. I decided to do the same. I made SURE no cars were even in site before I went on the other lane to pass this guy up.

The second I stepped on the gas and started to move, a car comes out of no where- and I mean NOWHERE. I kid you not, I was a hair away from a head on collision with the car PLUS the passenger side of my car would have been sandwiched with the huge 18- wheeler. On either side of me, a total of about 2 inches was there space. I should have died. I don’t know how I survived that. The entire drive to her house I was shaking and scared. I looked in the mirror and I was ghost white.

I know you are probably thinking about how dumb I was. But in my defense, I waited to pass him up until I was in a legal to do so zone, I saw zero cars, and I felt ready. It’s like, I think for some reason like God put that car there to scare me. I feel like I have been such a terrible person lately and maybe it was his plan to show me I need to fix my life.

After the whole day was over, I laid in bed thinking about the ordeal a whole lot and then I started scaring myself because all I thought about was death that night. On the outside and how I truly feel like I am sometimes is a happy, fun person. But all I could think about after that was my depression and PLEASE DO NOT WORRY I WOULD NEVER DO IT, but also suicide. I did not think per se that I would do it, but the thought popped into my head like I could not avoid it and against my will, “how would I kill myself if I did?”  And I sobbed all night and in the wee hours of the morning just thinking how I should have died or what that random car coming out of nowhere meant…

My life did not really flash before my eyes; all I was thinking was “wth wth omg omg wth” I feel bad I didn’t even say God’s name or anything like that. I just told myself I am about to die. I think so far, this is the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

I  showed up to my friend’s house and I’m guessing she could tell something was a little wrong. I was pretty quiet and did not seem very excited for prom… I have more to tell you but that will be in my next post so stay tuned!

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