This must be the most difficult post to write…. today I will be telling you all about the bad things I have done as a teenager. The things I have done come nowhere near some peoples’ but to me, they leave me feeling shameful, empty, and just a horrible person. You may read this and laugh but I would appreciate only helpful and kind comments. Thank you.
- Porn Addiction- As a teen girl, and a cradle Christian, I was always taught pornography was a terrible terrible thing. When I was twelve, I got my first iPod touch. I asked my parents if I could get an Instagram and they agreed. At first, I just posted cute pictures but one wrong click led me to images of naked women. For some reason, perhaps curiosity, I kept looking. My mom caught me and put me to shame while she told my whole family. From then on, my mom is still disappointed in me. I stopped after that though. Until high school. I got my first iPhone. I don’t remember how I got reintroduced to it, but once I did it a few times, I could not stop. I would run myself over my panties and when sophomore year came, I was watching porn almost every night and became addicted. I feel sick right now writing this, because it is almost the end of junior year and I still watch it almost every night. I got ‘brave’ and started going a little further into myself whilst using a hairbrush. Never have I broken my hymen. I still believe in waiting till marriage. But aren’t I a horrible person and a hypocrite if I do this?? Like why am I okay with this addiction but when it comes to actual sex I become all holy and Christian? Porn makes me hate myself but I still have not found a way to stop it. I used to pray every single night, But since I started watching, I have completely ignored praying at night.
- Smoking Pot- My best friend who comes from a lovely huge family is just like me. We are both innocent in the sense of boys and drugs. Which is why we both wanted to try doing something so bad. She brought up one day that our old friend might be able to hook us up with some pot. I was hesitant but finally said yes.We planned the whole thing out for like three weeks and we ended up getting it. I went over to her house and when her parents left for dinner, we smoked. She got high, but I only took three hits. It had no affect on me being my first time. My mom picked me up accusing me of doing it the second I jumped in the car. The smell was strong!!! Turns out, my mom ended up apologizing to me saying what she was smelling was the formaldehyde on my new jeans. I felt and still feel so bad lying to her, but me and my friend already have another date set up to use the rest of the weed she has this weekend! I don’t know why, but I just want to try getting high just once in my life!! What’s wrong with me!? UGHH.
- My love- I have had many many crushes before. Not to be conceited, but boys as well as men think I am hot or at least pretty. I have never had a boyfriend… but I did meet this man over the internet:/ Words cannot describe how much I like this man. Its not like any crush I have ever had. Before you start judging, yes he is REAL and not a catfish. I am 17 and he is 28. I know you may automatically think he is a pervert but he is the kindest and hardest working, normal ( in a good way) man I had ever met. He is everything I want in a best friend, husband, and lover. HE IS PERFECT. Sometimes, when I am on the phone with him, I start to cry. I cry because I have never met anyone so nice to me before and it is impossible for us to have a relationship him being in a different country. Its like I love him so much, my heart literally hurts and it makes me cry. Like I actually have dreams about him and I living in the house (he BUILT) and with his dog, and farm. He makes me smile no matter what at the same time he makes me cry. I wish I had never have met him…. He makes me so happy but I always end up so sad in the end. Imagine having the thing you want most in life or the person you love die or be impossible to reach. The worst thing is, he makes me want to quit watching porn and doing bad things. He makes me want to be a good person. I get sad knowing he is so far because I know one day I will have to tell him I can’t talk to him anymore for my sake, and I’ll go back to having nothing to look forward to at night when I sometimes talk to him and instead watch porn or masturbate. Until then, I am not looking forward to the day I bring myself to telling him goodbye- forever.