My Depression

It was the summer before ninth grade and I already knew where I was going for high school. I was so excited. My best friend and I had planned on going together since we were in sixth grade. However, that same summer, my dad told me we would be moving to a whole new city- five hours away. As soon as I told my friends, they cried and told me they’d never forget me. This major event in my life took the turn for the worst.

First of all, I did not have a cell phone until freshman year meaning even if I wanted to or tried, there was no way for my friends to get my number since we lived so far. So, my first string of friends quickly got out of touch and faded away. Mind you, I have known those people since prekindergarten…

So, I went to a public school for the first time in my life and I ended up liking it a lot. Lots of people to choose from to be friends with. Well, let me tell you, I met some AMAZING individuals. In the back of my mind, I always knew I would end of losing them too because in that same year, my family decided once the year was over, we would move back to my hometown. My parents hated the new city. I had lots of fun adventures with these new kids that brought me a lot of joy…sadly, a year later I said my goodbyes and promised to stay in touch.

Its now the summer before sophomore year in my hometown, and I keep trying to text my friends from the new city I met last year. We text a few times and even hang out a couple times but soon, I find I am always the first to text, and when I don’t, we’ll go weeks or months without talking until my annoying clingy self reaches out and sends the first text. All the people I would try to reach would end up like this. I text months later trying to hang on to the friends I made, the conversation is awkward, they say they’ll text me back tomorrow because they have to go, they won’t actually text back, the friendship slowly fades.

In August, school starts ( a different one than the one my eight grade self was planning on going to) and I am walking in without having friends, and only knowing  a few kids from my childhood wondering if they remember or even like me still. Now lets get this straight, from then until now, I have never had issues making friends. My trouble is keeping them. Anyways, not surprisingly, this new school welcomes me and I make m=even more great friends. This was the year I really came out of my comfort zone and found who I am. I joined cheerleading, had a date for homecoming, succeeded in school, and of course found many new wonderful friendships. However, the school itself was NOT the best. I found new things I hated about it everyday.

At this point, I decide that even though I have made such great friends, academic success is more important so I need to transfer schools. I transfer to the one I originally wanted to go to in the start of junior year. Since I had my own car, I always got to see my old friends whenever I wanted and life was good. Until one day, when I was actually hanging out with friends that I wrecked my car. It was totaled. So, I went to school to home to school to home. Since I never got to see any friends and most of my friends use social media instead of text these days, those amazing friendships faded away. On top of all that, I walked in my news school thinking people would welcome me like I always am. I could never be more wrong. It is December now, and I have only met one girl that has shown interest in me and tried to be my friend. She’s great but still she has even better friends she rather hang out with anyways.

I feel so alone all the time. My sisters are away at college, my dad is only home sometimes, my other sister never wants to hang out with me, I have no car to see the friends I don’t have, and my mom is the hardest person to talk to. For these high school years, I have been bottling up my feelings. These were the stages I found myself in until about two days ago when I diagnosed myself as depressed:

  1. freshman year- I realized I sometimes felt sadder than most regular people but did not think much of it. I would have times where I felt especially sad and the only music I listened to was sad music. I sometimes very gently self harmed. ( pinching myself till I bruised)
  2. sophomore year- Even though friends made me happy, my home life sucked. My mom was always on my case about doing things behind her back which I never did. She just never trusted me or treated me like she treated my older brainiac sisters.
  3. Junior year- Worst year by far. I only listened to sad music still. I thought bruises and cuts were pretty. I was obsessed with pretty girls and invested my time in talking to stranger online rather than real people. I lost hope that I was worthy to anyone to be a good friend so I stopped reaching out to anybody. Deep down, I wanted friends, They never came to me in my new school though.

For about a year now, this guy has confessed many times that he’s wanted to date me. I like him a lot as a friend and sure he’d be a great bf but since Im not allowed to date always, I tell him I just wanna be friends. BUT, in the back of my head I wish I would have never met him. He’s so great and so is my best gal friend (who I haven’t seen since the car accident but still really adore) but I always find myself pushing them away. If my problem is not being able to keep friends, then why do I do this to myself? Well, I realized it’s because I am depressed, mental,  and scared that I’ll lose them too.

Over the last two days, I started to stop ignoring the sad feelings I have had the last few years and really started paying attention to myself. I learned from myself that I have many symptoms of a depressed person. I have low energy all the time. I fake happiness. I have a lot of breakdowns where I cry and sob and don’t tell anyone. I listen to the same three sad songs everyday. The people I once annoyingly tried to randomly text will text me and I won’t text back. I self-harm to a degree. I lookup sad quotes on Pinterest….etc.

The worst thing about my depression is that I have not told a soul about it and none of my family members are the type to listen or approve of me. I know I can never tell anyone about my depression and that hurts me even more. I know that for the rest of my life, I will have to live with not being able to talk to people about my feelings, pushing people away, and let the depression build up inside me. Sometimes I feel like it is eating me alive and thats when I go to bed early or to the shower just to cry where no one can hear me.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

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7 thoughts on “My Depression

  1. Daedalus Lex says:

    Hang in there. It must be so hard. As an older person, I can say you’re not alone. I’ve met people more than once who have so much anxiety about making and keeping friends that they panic when a potential good friend comes along and push that person away for fear that if they let them in they will lose them. It doesn’t seem to make sense but it’s a deep mechanism that affects some people – more than just you. The depression, and this self-defeating mechanism, sometimes does and sometimes doesn’t go away but people do learn workarounds that allow them to have some friends and be happy. An expert in psychology or therapy would be great if you could get to one — they would know about this mechanism. Meanwhile. try reading uplifting books about human connection (Thich Nhat Hahn, Baba Ram Dass, Eckhart Tolle…), find a meditation or yoga group, and take small steps toward the emotional risk of letting friends in, starting with an outing here or there with someone you know would be a trustworthy friend. And hang in there, and take the threads of joy that come your way.

    Liked by 1 person

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